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i close a chapter of my life that i had stretched and stretched until the fibers in my muscles in my arms had torn one hundred and nineteen times over.

my eyes had become glassy, my glasses had become tinted with a deep crimson, and my mind had withered away into a husk desperate to not be left behind. i miss everything i used to love right now. i sit in the rain and let the droplets hit my head without a care. i need this.

i was afraid to write the last sentence - i ignored the signs in my eyes, my ears, my mouth, my body, my heart that shrieked at me to go where i was loved. after all, nowadays, i have places where im loved. and i have people that love me.

things started when i needed love. there was a time in my life that i would do anything to be loved by someone i loved. that time ended on the eve of my 25th birthday, where i sat on the sidewalk with my daughter and a cigarette. i yelled, for all the anguish of the last 2 years

as i've grown up, i end up realizing that i really ought to take my own advice.

i lay in a field of flowers and realize what love is supposed to feel like, after so long. it was around me and had crept up and grown without me realizing that i had done what i had set out to do 2 years ago. and today i am loved

i am no longer a person who can be satisfied with the idle thought of someone loving me. and i am glad for that. but i grieve for the pain i pushed myself through for what felt like an eternity. a thoughtless eternity borne of desperation and symbolized by claw mark ripping at the seams begging to be desired. begging to be loved. the sun is out and it is warm but the rain continues to trickle down my head. everything is warm and the rain is a little bit colder and makes me shiver. i take in a deep breath. i'm cold, but the warm air rises

oh to float as though i were a current of warm air. at the very least, my heart is beginning to realize it's been freed from its chains and feels lighter than a soul that's gone through as much as i have should feel.

truly, i am happy to be here. when i close my eyes and ears and shut off my senses to the world, it is easy to believe i have no place here. but when i open my heart i have come to realize that there will always be a place for me to go because i will create it, as i always have

but i am wistful. i could bask in the warmth of the ones i love now, and i plan to do so soon. but a life of warmth means little to me if i avert my eyes from the dark and plug my ears from the screaming and insulate my heart from the cold.

i don't want to lie to anyone. i won't lie to myself to protect my fragile soul. i'm strong enough to not need to lie to myself anymore. but a cigarette would help right now

i have so much to love now. i no longer have to beg to be loved. but i always say that i never want to forget where i came from. and i will sit here and feel the cold sink into the depths of my bones to know that i love the me i used to be. that i understand.

to let the rainy of old know that i love her vulnerable, broken, fragile, and damaged heart. to wrap her in my arms on the eve of the last day of the life i used to live and feel her tremble at my touch. to tell her that this is what it means to be loved and understood.

i love you and i'm sorry for putting you putting you through that, i say to myself. it's okay, the past rainy says. there are things i will spend my entire life unlearning. i'm no stranger to boulder pushing.

the cold still seeps into my bones. it's so uncomfortable. but when it dissipates and the last vestiges of chill leave my body, i will know that it's time to go. and i will be exuberant to walk into the arms of all of the people that love me.

but for now, i will lay in the field of flowers to honor the person i was. the rain continues to fall and creates clear splotches on my forehead. i shiver but now i know that i am loved. i shiver but now i have a place to call home.